Kabbalah Kronicles 21 – Jewish Guilt & Confession

Uncle Zally / Zalman Velvel

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You know, one of the things I envied about my Roman Catholic friends when I was growing up was that they had Confession.

Once a week, more if they wanted, they could go to their church and sit in a little booth by themselves and confess all their sins to the priest, who was sitting in the little booth next to them. No one else could hear … no one else would ever find out … except maybe God Himself, if the confession was particularly original. My Roman Catholic friends could unburden themselves of all their sins, and the guilt associated with them.

Then they could go out and do the same things all over again, and be relieved of the guilt all over again, the following week.

What a great system!

We Jews didn’t have anything that good. We had to carry around our guilt like a ten ton load, which always got heavier.

Well, this week in Kabbalah Klass (Rabbi Itchy is back, Thank God, and I interrupted class when I came in late, and hugged him in front of everyone.) I learned that we have a whole month of Confession called Elul. A whole month, not just one day each week. It starts Monday night, August 30^th.

“God is out of Heaven, and in the fields,” it is said in our Holy Books. If you want to unburden yourself, now is the time to do it.

Take advantage of this opportunity. Every day, or twice a day. Three times a day if you are a world class sinner, known as a Rasha, like me. God promises that He will be lenient in forgiveness, like in no other month.

Think about it.

If you pray three times a day, like you are supposed to, and you list all your sins and ask for forgiveness, it will be granted. You could start with today’s sins in the morning, then yesterday’s in the afternoon, then the day before’s in the evening. When your memory wears thin on what days you sinned, you can list all the sins of last year, then the year before, going back almost 90 years.

If you aren’t 90 years old, say only 50, you could then start on your parent’s sins, which we all know but are afraid to mention. Then, if you run out of them, list your grandparents’ sins, if you are lucky enough to have seen or overheard those, too.

You are also allowed to blow the shofar every single day of Elul.

Me, I’m going to be blowing my shofar three times each day. When I do, all the neighbors are going to say, “There’s that Rasha, Zalman Velvel, going at it again. When is he ever going to run out of sins to confess?”

Probably never.

At the end of Elul, it’s Rosh Hashanah, the New Year. And Zalman Velvel is finally going to start the new year clean, clear, free, and easy, with no guilt whatsoever.

And then next year, boy am I gonna sin again! I’m starting to think of all the new and juicy sins now. I can hardly wait for Rosh Hashanah to be here and gone.

Think about it. Sinning is fun. If it wasn’t, we wouldn’t do it. It means living for now, and forgetting about later on, forgetting that our children are watching, forgetting about future generations and the consequences … forgetting that God is watching, and doing His accounting.

And isn’t that what we are supposed to do, be happy and joyful, and live in the now?

No?

Where did I go wrong in my reasoning? I’m going to have to ask Rabbi Itchy next week.

In the meantime, if you drive by my house, and happen to hear a shofar blowing, stop by and pray with me for forgiveness. Maybe we can get a minyon together.

We’ll call it the Rasha Minyon.

Gil Locks, you can have your Netz Minyon in Jerusalem, we have our Nuts Minyon of Rashas right here, in Fort Myers, Florida, one of the holiest places in the world, because we will all be washed clean of our sins.