Kabbalah Kronicles -10 – What Could Someone Say?

The Kabbalah Kronicles 10 – What Could Someone Say ?

Uncle Zally, Zalman Velvel

———————————————————-

It’s not Shabbos morning, it’s Thursday night. It’s not Kabbalah Klass, it’s a Chabad Benefit Dinner. It’s not even Rabbi Itchy, it’s Rabbi Simon Jacobson … and he’s nervous. It’s his first big charity event since moving to Punta Gorda, Florida six years ago.

Rabbi Simon is not used to putting on fancy dinners to collect money. He’s used to putting on his dark black coat and hat, going out, and knocking on the doors of the people in his congregation. Then in the sweetest, most humble way, he asks for money to keep the doors of the synagogue open. While he is doing this, he tries to feed his family, which some consider a frivolous expense.

Oh … and Rabbi Simon asked yours truly to be his keynote speaker.

Maybe that’s also why he’s nervous.

I’m a wild card. It’s one thing to read my writing, like these Kronicles. You never know what is going to come out of my word processor, but if you don’t like it, you can erase it and move on. There’s a safety net.

But when I speak, that’s a different matter. In my attempt to reach people, to get inside their hearts and minds, I sneak in the side door through comedy. That means I may say some risky things. I’m not a kid, but sometimes I am still blissfully unaware of the things that can offend some people. You would think by now I should know when a topic is inappropriate, but no, I remain ignorant. The only real safety net when I speak is a muzzle, but by the time one is needed, it’s too late.

In my defense, our Bible, our holiest of holy books, discusses even more inappropriate things – women’s menstrual cycles, illicit relationships, and sexy idolatry. There’s even a little comedy, a talking donkey, three thousand years before Shrek. You could argue that God has a license to discuss these things, since after all, He made everything … even His license, and nobody signed my license, I just took it.

I asked Rabbi Simon, “What would you like me to speak about?” Rabbi Simon said, “Talk about what Chabad has done for you … and it wouldn’t hurt to be funny.”

I did not ask what he was going to pay me. He knows the one time I took money from a Chabad Rabbi, when the check was placed in my palm, my hand turned to salt.

Oh, did I forget to mention that Rabbi Simon is used to funny? He has a cousin who is one of the funniest Chabad speakers around today – Rabbi Yossi Jacobson. However, Rabbi Yossi often tells the same jokes, whereas I try to make up new ones for my speeches. However, Rabbi Yossi gets paid by Chabad rabbis, and I don’t. (He knows the secret Kabbalah words to keep his hand from turning to salt.)

Oh, did I also forgetto mention that I had to bring my own microphone because Rabbi Simon did not have one? Why? Because after paying for all the gourmet kosher food at the dinner, he had no budget for entertainment.

Oh, did I also forget to mention that when I arrived at Reception Hall, there was no podium? I was prepared for that – I put the notes for my speech on a

clipboard so I could hold them in one hand, and hold my own microphone in the other.

So I’m sitting in the lobby before speaking, and I’m wondering, “Do I enjoy entertaining people so much, that I have sunk to the level of speaking for free, using a clipboard, and my own microphone?”

Oh, did I also forget to mention I was missing an important family event, a granddaughter and grandson were being honored at the Lee County Alliance for the Arts, where their drawings were chosen out of a thousand entries?

Oh, did I also forget to mention that sitting in the lobby with me was David Sayh, a professional comedian for 36 years, and my comedy writing buddy? He offered to do 20 minutes of stand-up, for free, to help out Rabbi Simon, whom he loves as much as I do. David Sayh is the most inventive comedy writer alive, and I’m the only one who knows it, but someday … after God answers our prayers …the rest of the world will know it, too.

Unfortunately, there are a billion and a half Chinese people, and a billion more people in India, who want to have their prayers answered before ours, for foolish, extravagant things like enough food to eat.

David looked over at me, and said, “I smell disaster.”

David knows disaster. The first eight times he did stand-up comedy, he did not get a single laugh. Not one. In the 36 years he’s traveled the world making people laugh, he’s had ashtrays hurled at him, had drunks throw up on him, and was threatened with knives.

David was going on AFTER me because I refused to FOLLOW him. It’s a rule in the entertainment business to never follow a child act, or a comedian that is funnier than you. Oh, did I forget to mention … David Sayh’s been on the Tonight Show twelve times? There is no way I can compete with that kind of funny.

While David and I are sitting in the lobby, Rabbi Simon comes over, even more nervous than before, and informs me whom I am following. Guess who? A child prodigy named Yisrael Amar. David smiles at me and mouths the word, D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.

We are called to dinner, and David and I are sitting at a table with all doctors, and we’re listening to 12 year old Yisrael Amar sing.He is … fantastic! David looks over at me and once again mouths the word, D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.

The emcee asks if anyone would like to speak about their personal experiences with Chabad of Punta Gorda or Rabbi Simon. A few people stood up and described the good deeds of the Rabbi.

Then Tonya got up.

Tonya is an attractive middle-aged woman, with light colored hair and an energetic way about her. She spoke about how, a few years ago, she contracted G.B.S., Guillain-Barre Syndrome, a virus that attacks Jewish people.

G.B.S. paralyzes someone an inch at a time, as it slowly rises from the feet, to the brain. The paralysis can last years. Tonya said that when she was in the hospital, two blessings got her through her terrible ordeal, while her body lay paralyzed below her.

The first blessing was Rabbi Simon, who regularly visited, and prayed for her recovery.

The second blessing was her husband reading stories to her, each day, from a book loaned by Rabbi Simon. Tonya said the stories inspired her to go on, to fight to stay alive.

Then, in front of everyone, Tonya turned to me and said, “The book my husband read was “King of Shabbos” and the author was Zalman Velvel, who is our speaker tonight. I came here especially to meet him.”

Yours truly blushed. This was not in the D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R plan at all.

As I sat there, blushing, I wondered, “What could someone say … that would satisfy this writer’s hungry heart more than – ‘Zalman Velvel, your stories made me want to live again.’ ” Tonya’s words felt like winning the Pulitzer Prize.

The rest of the evening went smoothly. When I got up to speak, my new jokes worked, especially the ones David Sayh helped me write. (Thank you, David.)

In closing, while I was writing this blog, guess who emailed me? Here it is:

Hi Zalman,

I hope you are doing well, and have recuperated from your sojourn into Punta Gorda! I want to thank you again, for coming, entertaining and moving the crowd.

We got wonderful feedback, one comment was, "Wow, I don't know the last time I heard a speaker who really knew how to speak to his audience!"

Thank G-D we had an absolutely wonderful evening, and I just wanted to Thank you again for your part in it. Wishing you a wonderful, kosher and Happy Pesach.

Rabbi Simon

If you would like to read my speech, email me and I will send it to you. The speech has the same title as this blog, “What Could Someone Say?”

–