Funny Jewish Short Stories-Stand up Comedy-Zalman Velvelstuv | Funny Jewish Short Stories-Stand up Comedy-Zalman Velvel

Funny Jewish Short Stories-Stand up Comedy-Zalman Velvelstuv | Funny Jewish Short Stories-Stand up Comedy-Zalman Velvel http://zalmanvelvel.com Zalman Velvel is a funny Jewish short story, comedy, writer working with Stand Up Comedy Performer David Sayh, great for Jewish Culture and Gifts Sun, 29 Jan 2012 19:21:21 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 Kabbalah Kronicles 36 – All Good Things Must Come to a Kabbalah http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/12/10/kabbalah-kron-36/ http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/12/10/kabbalah-kron-36/#comments Sat, 10 Dec 2011 23:09:08 +0000 stuv http://zalmanvelvel.com/?p=917 Kabbalah Kronicles 36 – All Good Things Must Come to a Kabbalah

Uncle Zally / Zalman Velvel

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Writing a blog is fun.

It’s heartwarming to relate to an audience on an immediate basis. You write something that you care about, and readers write back and say they care, too.

However, blogs are not enduring. Once a blog is written, and read, it usually doesn’t have much lasting value. There are some exceptions to that principle, but not many. After all, there are almost a million blogs out there now.

All Good Things Must come to a Kabbalah - Kabbalah Kronicles 36 by Zalman Velvel

So when you write a blog, after it is read, it is deleted and the computer code gets sent to the Big Byte Bucket in The Computer Dump, where the bits are burned and recycled into more blogs, which are read and then deleted and sent back to the Big Byte Bucket, and so on … and so on …

But a story … if it is good enough, it can last forever in a Book. Just open the Bible, the longest running bestseller, 3,400 years on the NY Times bestseller list.

Dear Reader, for some time now, I’ve missed doing more serious writing – novels, plays, and stories. I still wrote them, when the ache in my heart demanded it, though far less frequently. Why?

I had difficulty finding an audience. While I love the act of writing, I also get great pleasure in being read and enjoyed by others. So I channeled by writing energy into this blog.

Recently, I disc

overed secret Kabbalistic Internet techniques in the Zohar, called Mystical SEO. Who would have thought Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, 2,000 years ago, would have known the Internet was coming? It was promised that using Mystical SEO, and living a good and Holy life, a writer can find an audience for stories, plays, and novels.

Here is the Gammatria of how Mystical SEO works:

There are no

w over a billion people connected to the Internet, and each of them is searching for entertainment. Mystical SEO will help an author persuade at least one person out of a million to seek out their writing. If you take one out of a million and apply it to a billion, that translates into a thousand readers.

This is exactly the minimum number needed to spare an author's words from being sent to the inferno in the Big Byte Bucket in The Computer Dump, and to live eternally in Book Heaven.

It is fitting to end Kabbalah Kronicles, on number 36, which is twice 18. The letters in the Hebrew word Chai, which means Life, add up to 18, and has been taken to be lucky. 36 means double life, and this blog was doubly wonderful for me.

It led me to you, Dear Reader … and to Mystical SEO.

Now if I can just learn how to live a good and Holy life ….

Cheers and Happy Holidays … and Yivorechah adonoy Vayishmarechah.

May the Lord Bless you and Watch Over you.

]]> http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/12/10/kabbalah-kron-36/feed/ 1 Kabbalah Kronicles 35 – Kanine Kabbalah http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/12/04/kabbalah-kron-35/ http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/12/04/kabbalah-kron-35/#comments Sun, 04 Dec 2011 01:41:23 +0000 stuv http://zalmanvelvel.com/?p=902 Kabbalah Kronicles 35 – Kanine Kabbalah

Uncle Zally / Zalman Velvel

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Funny Stories, Inspirational Stories & Standup Comedy-Zalman Velvel

I pray early in the morning with my little dachshund, Peanut. When I start wrapping tfillin, he gets up from his doggy bed and waits by the door, tail wagging. When I open the door, he runs out barking.

What he barks at, I have no clue. I yell at him, “Peanut, be quiet!” so he does not wake the neighbors. He barks anyway, because that is the way God made him.

We then begin our separate rituals. I pray in Hebrew, walking around our pond, while Peanut “does his business.” Then he sniffs everything within an inch of its life, and anoints trees. The selection process as to which trees he anoints is a mystery, just like Kabbalah. But the mystical lifting of Peanut’s leg is not what I want to write about here.

Lately I have noticed that Peanut is getting old. He is 77 in dog years, 15 years older than me. Like me, his facial hair is becoming whiter, and he doesn’t move as quickly. There will come a day when he will not be here to pray with me, and it saddens me deeply.

However, I’m lucky because I still have other loved ones in my life: a wife, children and grandchildren, nephews and nieces, friends and readers, a brother and a sister, and even my mother. But there are a lot of people I see in our business, many elderly, who have little or no family or close friends, only a pet dog.

Many of those dogs are mutts, some are cute, and some quite ugly. Some smell so bad they wrinkle your nose. A few have bowel problems, and even fleas, which are a problem to a landlord.

Still, we allow pets in most of our rentals. Why? Because some of our tenants receive no companionship, or love for that matter, other than what they get from their pet. How could I deny them this small pleasure and call myself a human being?

One of the first stories I was proud to author was about a golden retriever we adopted named Max. He was our family’s first pet, very loving and protective around our children when they were young. He was also one of the horniest creatures I have ever known. The story, entitled "Max, The Wonder Dog" won an award, and is still floating around the internet in its original, though poorly edited form.

At the end of “Max”, I wrote:

“I think I would like to pass from this world the way Max did – held in the arms of someone who loves me, in spite of the embarrassing faults I cannot change.”

A reader sent me the following comment about "Max” :

"I liked your story, and I love retrievers, but I'm afraid of getting one for my children. I had a retriever named Goldy when I was a boy, and when she died, I never got over it."

I wrote him back the following:

"Love doesn't come with a lifetime guarantee. A dog can show you, and your children, many of the facets of love while it is with us, and that experience should not be missed."

I am writing about dogs because this would not be a serious blog about Kabbalah unless we did Gammatria, biblical numerology. The ultimate power of Gammatria comes from the Biblical phrase, “God said let there be light,” meaning the Almighty uttered words, and that is how the world was created.

Therefore, words are clues to the thoughts of God. Kabbalists take a Hebrew word, use the numbers attached to each letter, add up the numeric value of the word, then show how that numeric value is equivalent to the numeric value of another word. They then discuss the mystical connection between the two words, showing there was a divine pattern in the creation of the world. Sometimes, rather that add up the numeric values, they will switch letters around in the same word, and show how the resulting word is also mystically connected.

Gammatria proves that God was a mathematician, ruled by logic. Right?

When a Kabbalist goes into a discourse about Gammatria, I zone out. Sometimes I fall asleep. They think me a little too “mentally relaxed,” like Rocky Balboa. But I majored in Physics and Math in college.

Once at a farbregan, after a little too much vodka, I did a little Gammatria of my own with a Kabbalist (who shall remain nameless). It went like this:

“Rabbi, take the English word “dog.” Now reverse the letters. You get God. That proves that since God is the embodiment of love, so is a dog.”

There you have it – Zally’s Kanine Kabbalah.

Yivorechah adonoy Vayishmarechah – may the Lord Bless you and Watch Over you.

]]> http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/12/04/kabbalah-kron-35/feed/ 0 Kabbalah Kronicles 34 – Christmas Shopping with Jesus http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/11/26/kabbalah-kron-34/ http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/11/26/kabbalah-kron-34/#comments Sat, 26 Nov 2011 23:23:48 +0000 stuv http://zalmanvelvel.com/?p=890 Kabbalah Kronicles 34 – Christmas Shopping with Jesus

Uncle Zally / Zalman Velvel

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I arrived at Best Buy ten minutes before midnight, on Thanksgiving, hoping to avoid the crowds the following morning, known as Black Friday. Black Friday is the biggest shopping day of the year in America.

So why was I there?

The new Shabbos Smart Phone was on sale, reduced from $300 to $99. The Shabbos smart phone does everything an iPhone does, but without producing sparks, thus it can be used by Observant Jews on the Sabbath to play video games, surf the Net, read email, call people, and of course, text. You can even read the Bible on it if you so desire, but given the choice between a juicy text filled with gossip, or Deuteronomy … well, you be the judge … as you often are.

The Shabbos Smart phone was invented by Rabbi Mohammed Goldberg, known affectionately as Rabbi Mo in the Tech World. Rabbi Mo also claimed to have invented the Shabbos elevator, which is used in all the best hotels in Jerusalem, like the Hilton and King David.

However, when I arrived at Best Buy, I got a big surprise – there was a line of people in front of the store a half mile long.

“Oh Great!” I said to myself. “When they open the doors at midnight, they’ll be sold out of all the Shabbos Smart phones.”

I looked up and down the line. No one looked like an Observant Jew – there were no black hats or long skirts – so maybe there was still hope.

At five minutes to midnight, the front doors were still locked. There was a nasty looking security guard waiting behind them, a Taser and a Glock 9 hanging off each hip, an M-16 in one hand, a turkey drumstick in the other.

I don’t think she had the Holiday Spirit.

There was a tent right up front, with the line starting behind it. From inside the tent, a young man in his 30’s peeked out. He was unusual looking, with deep blue eyes, long hair, a short beard, and was covered with a sheet.

“Why are there so many people waiting to get in?” I asked.

“They’re selling iPad’s, with Wi-Fi / 3G and 64GB of memory, for $39.”

Wow, I thought. The retail price was over $800. I could use one at $39.

“How many are they selling?” I asked, counting the people I could see. There were about two thousand.

“Five.”

“Five?”

“Yes. They announced it November 1^st . I’ve been camping here since.”

I thought, living in a tent outside Best Buy for more than three weeks, in order to save $700 … sounded a little over the top.

“I am going to buy all five, if they let me,” he continued. “I can then re-sell them quickly, and make three thousand dollars. I can help a lot of hungry people with $3,000.”

Then the young man stepped out of the tent.

The sheet was really a robe. On his feet were sandals. Around his head was a crown of thorns.

In his eyes was a special Light.

The people on line suddenly became very quiet. It is a very solemn moment when two thousand people grow silent, while they are waiting to nab a $39 iPad.

“What is your name?” I asked.

He did not answer.

“Well, when were you born?” I asked.

I’ll wager most of you can tell me when.

I’ll also wager most of you can tell me why that day is supposed to be important.

And I’ll also wager that no one can explain why standing outside Best Buy waiting for a $39 iPad, after Thanksgiving, has anything to do with the birth of the man standing there in a robe, sandals, and a crown of thorns.

*******************

I’m thinking of going to the Holy Land for Hanukah. It’s spiritually fulfilling to hear children singing songs at night, songs of joy about a holiday where religious freedom overcame paganism … light a menorah … and then receive presents or money?

And during the day?

Children are off from school for 8 days of Hanukah in the Holy Land. Like American children, they will hear their parents yell, “Stop playing video games, switch off the Internet, get up off your tuchus, and do something!”

Then they will go to the mall, like American kids.

*******************

Remember, the air in Fort Myers makes you funnier. I invite you to come on down when it’s snowing, and warm up by the fire of Kabbalah. Stop in at Chabad of Fort Myers and take a Kabbalah Klass with Rabbi Itchy on Saturday morning, from 9 to 10.

Oh, and bring some Grey Goose or Chivas Regal with you.

We’ll all get spiritual, and David Sayh will make up a few new jokes, and I may even get funny, but not as funny as David. Maybe we can all get Picklepuss to lighten up and laugh a little.

Cheers and Happy Holidays!

]]> http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/11/26/kabbalah-kron-34/feed/ 0 Kabbalah Kronicles 33 – Talk to God, Zalman ! http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/11/20/kabbalah-kron-33/ http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/11/20/kabbalah-kron-33/#comments Sun, 20 Nov 2011 03:05:58 +0000 stuv http://zalmanvelvel.com/?p=852 Kabbalah Kronicles 33 – Talk to God, Zalman !

Uncle Zally / Zalman Velvel

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Zalman Velvel funny Jewish writer of Short Stories

Picklepuss didn’t show up at klass this morning.

Already, Kabbalah was making me feel more “centered” and “peaceful.”

If you remember from last week’s blog, I vowed not to let Picklepuss ruin the fun in the class anymore … especially the Komedy, because we all need a good laugh now and then … and laughter is healing … when our Knowledge of Kabbalah is lacking.

This week we were trying to zone in on one of the primary ways to get closer to God, and that is, “To serve Him with Joy.”

Zalman Velvel funny Jewish Writer and Pickle Puss

I was thinking, it’s much easier to serve God with joy now that Picklepuss is not here.

But how do you remain “centered and peaceful,” with your seven emotions in balance, and at the same time, feel happy and joyful, so that you can best serve God?

The Rabbi explained it three times.

The first time, he talked about the difference between Eve, Noah, and Sarah.

adam-and-eve and Zalman Velvel funny inspirational writer

Eve apparently talked to the devil, in the form of the snake. Noah got drunk and ran around naked in front of his children, but Sarah remained righteous no matter what.

Then the Rabbi told a parable about three Hasids who were on their way to see their Rebbe to get spiritual enlightenment. They hired a wagon driver to take them, who put a carrot in front of his horse to make the horse go faster … but when they got to the Rebbe, he was not home.

Apparently we have all three of them inside of us, the horse, the wagon driver, and the Hasids. The horse is our animal desire, the wagon driver is our need for money and to make a living, and the Hasids are our spiritual need to become closer to God.

There was a moral to the story, something about striving and succeeding in communication with the Almighty, and then striving and failing, but not remaining bitter or sad. And yet even if you have some bitterness or sadness, you could still be happy and joyful. Each time the Rabbi explained it, the concepts became more hazy.

David Sayh and Zalman Velvel standup Jewish comedy

David, my komedy buddy, hassled the Rabbi about the meaning of being bitter, versus sad, as only David can split hairs about meanings.

You should see him do that when we are setting up a joke, spending an hour on meter, timing, and the right word in the punch line, which drives me even more crazy than it drives the Rabbi, especially when David is right, and the joke is better … but that is Komedy, not Kabbalah, although today, after we finished a double liter of Stolle’s, I couldn’t tell the difference between either …

To tell you the truth, I still don’t know the answer about how to be joyful in the face of sadness or bitterness, after an hour long Kabbalah Klass and a farbregan afterwards … except that Dying is easy, and Kabbalah is komplicated, and Komedy is very hard. I repeatedly asked the Rabbi to explain it better, and he couldn’t.

Finally, the Rabbi threw his arms in the air in frustration and said, “Talk to God, Zalman.”

So I talked to God …

… and God told me a joke.

a priest a minister and rabbi and Zalman Velvel inspriational short story writer

God said, there was a Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi … and they all walk into a bar …

Oh, and bring some Grey Goose or Chivas Regal with you.

We’ll all get spiritual, and David will make up a few jokes, and I may even get funny. Oh, and I’ll finish telling you the joke God told me.

And maybe we can all get Picklepuss to lighten up and laugh a little.

]]> http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/11/20/kabbalah-kron-33/feed/ 2 Kabbalah Kronicles 32- Journey to the Center of Kabbalah with Picklepuss http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/11/13/kabbalah-kron-32/ http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/11/13/kabbalah-kron-32/#comments Sun, 13 Nov 2011 02:01:23 +0000 stuv http://zalmanvelvel.com/?p=836 Kabbalah Kronicles 32 – Journey to the Center of Kabbalah with Picklepuss

Uncle Zally / Zalman Velvel

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At the end of a private class with the Rabbi, I asked, “What is the practical use of Kabbalah?”

He looked at me like I was nuts. Then he said:

“Are you crazy, Zalman. Kabbalah makes you peaceful and happy.”

“Really. Then why don’t you do a class on that?”

Rabbi said he would. Then it was forgotten.

I didn’t forget. This morning, before class, I asked him to explain to everyone how Kabbalah can make them peaceful and happy. He obliged, even though he planned a class on something else.

“First,” Rabbi explained. “In order to be peaceful, you must feel centered. Spiritual centering is similar to physical centering – if your body is out of kilter, unbalanced, like if your back is out, or your hip, or your knee, you will be in physical distress, and not peaceful.”

He continued, “So it goes with spiritual centering. Kabbalah says we contain seven basic emotions, and if any of those emotions are out of balance, we will be in emotional distress, and not peaceful.”

Pickle Puss with Zalman Velvel funny jewish writer on Kabbalah

This discussion was about to be tested by reality. A woman walked in, whom we shall now call Picklepuss, who has gone out of her way to ruin Kabbalah klass for me. Whenever anyone interrupts the Rabbi with a question, so they can better understand the more complicated topics, she gets annoyed. I ask a lot of questions, so she centers her annoyance on me.

I also make a lot of jokes, which everyone seems to enjoy … except her. If you look up “eyes like daggers” in the dictionary, there is her picture.

Since college, other students in my classes have thanked me for interrupting teachers and asking questions. Many times they said they were wondering the same thing. Other times, they said it gave them courage to ask questions of their own. Either way, classes became energized, and the learning was enhanced.

Lest you think me a big hypocrite (well, of course I am a little hypocrite, but please don’t think me as big a hypocrite as my wife does, because she has forty years of evidence, and can name dates and places) when I teach, and I have taught over 5,000 people in three day seminars, I encourage questions. I especially enjoy questions that make us look at something in a new way. I also allow interruptions, as long as they are funny. Isn’t it better to have a lively class, punctuated by laughter?

Well, if Picklepuss had been on time and knew that the Rabbi intended to give a class on something else, and I asked him to explain how Kabbalah can make you peaceful and happy, she would have had something really nasty to say. She didn’t know. So far so good.

“So how do you remain centered when your emotions are being pulled this way and that way by life’s surprises, especially the negative ones?” someone asked.

code violation with Zalman Velvel funny jewish writer on Kabbalah

Okay I asked it. I gave an example. We assumed the Rabbi had a full week planned, and on Monday morning, first thing, a code enforcement officer knocked on the door, and slapped a Stop-Work Order violation on the new building he was constructing out back. Further, if he didn’t attend to the problem right away, the county was threatening huge fines, and demolition.

The Rabbi answered that the right response according to Kabbalah was set aside his schedule, along with any emotions, remain centered, and calmly solve the problem, just consider it another task to be completed.

Sorry, that was too pat an answer for me. I wanted to turn up the flame a little, and make the problem more personal … something like being constantly disparaged and having a great class on Kabbalah ruined by Picklepuss … but changing the names to protect the nasty.

sodom and gomorrah with Zalman Velvel funny jewish writer on Kabbalah

The Rabbi continued now with the lesson he originally planned, about how Abraham negotiated with God to save the people of Sodom and Gomorrah. God told Abraham he was going to destroy the two cities because their sins had become so grave.

Abraham arranged for God not to destroy the cities if there were 50 righteous men among the wicked. Then he negotiated with God to lower it to 45, then 40, then 30 then 20, then 10.

In a speech I wrote for a Chabad dinner, I said this was the first instance of “Jewing someone down.”

Man-Laughing with Zalman Velvel funny jewish writer on Kabbalah

That’s a good joke, and even Jews laugh at it.

However, the woman who planned the dinner wanted to force me remove it, because she also had a Picklepuss gene. I took it out, in the interest of peace … but it killed me to waste a good joke. As you know, there are a billion and a half Chinese in bad need of a laugh.

Getting back to our story, Rabbi Itchy said Sodom and Gomorrah was the first example of God coming to man before he made a decision. Can you imagine it? The Master of the Universe wants our opinion!

This shows that when you come to God, as Abraham did when he was called, then God also comes to you. This was something I already discussed in Kabbalah Kronicles – number 20 – Mr. Know It All. Click here for it http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/08/20/kabbalah-kron-20/

I patiently waited 45 minutes for the Rabbi to finish his original lesson so Picklepuss would not be upset. Then, at the very end, I asked Rabbi to return to the beginning topic, how Kaballah can make you peaceful and happy, because I had another question.

Picklepuss took this time to made another nasty comment, and I made a nasty comment back, not being able to take it anymore after months of her picklepussing. (The reason I arranged personal lessons with the Rabbi was because of her.) My comment was something like, “Yes, I still have a question … for those of us who are not afraid to think.”

My comeback did not make me feel better. In fact, my spirituality was out of kilter and unbalanced for the rest of the day, until sundown, when I wrote this. Now I feel much much better. I obviously need to study Kabballah more so I can be more “centered” and “peaceful.”

baby laughing with Zalman Velvel funny jewish writer on Kabbalah

also vowed not to let Picklepuss ruin the fun in the class anymore … especially the comedy, because we all need a good laugh now and then … and laughter is healing … when our Knowledge of Kabbalah is lacking.

And remember, the air in Fort Myers makes you funnier. I invite you to come on down when it’s snowing, and warm up by the fire of Kabbalah. Stop in at Chabad of Fort Myers and take a Kabbalah Klass with Rabbi Itchy on Saturday morning, from 9 to 10.

Oh, and bring some Grey Goose or Chivas Regal with you.

We’ll all get spiritual, and I may even get funny.

And maybe we can get Picklepuss to lighten up and laugh a little.

]]> http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/11/13/kabbalah-kron-32/feed/ 1 Kabbalah Kronicles 31 – Friends in Low Places http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/11/06/kabbalah-kron-31/ http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/11/06/kabbalah-kron-31/#comments Sun, 06 Nov 2011 02:41:04 +0000 stuv http://zalmanvelvel.com/?p=817 Kabbalah Kronicles 31 – Friends in Low Places

Uncle Zally / Zalman Velvel

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Today’s Kabbalah Klass started out in Lower Kabbalah Land, somewhere south of Heaven, and north of Lazazel (the Hebrew word for Hell, where the scapegoat fell off the mountain.)

Halfway through klass, I was sure there was nothing realistic or useful in all of Kabbalah Land. Then the magic happened, as it often does in Kabbalah, and it became intensely personal, and inspirational. Grasshopper, if you are patient, I promise will explain.

First, Rabbi Itchy explained life’s mission statement – bring yourself closer to God.

Okay, sounds good so far. But how do you do this?

To bring yourself closer to God, you must improve the person you are, in terms of character, and perform deeds a person of fine character does.

For the character part, you can turn to the Bible. There are 613 prescriptions from the Pharmacist in Heaven about this.

For the deeds part, Rabbi Itchy used Abraham as the example. If you are not familiar with Abraham, he is the patriarch in the Bible whose children are responsible for the three great religions in the world – Christian, Moslem, and Jewish.

Abraham was the second man after Adam, to recognize there is One God. He was preceded by Noah, a righteous man, who walked alone in his generation, so that God drowned out all others and started again with Noah’s family.

Ten generations after Noah, the world was once again filled with evil. Abraham, another man solely righteous in his generation, called out to God. God answered, not by inviting him up to Heaven with Him, or drowning out all life around Abraham, but by sending Abraham out into a hostile Lower World, away from his comfortable home. He put Abraham through ten tests, among them, a king kidnapped Sarah, his wife, a group of kings waged war on him, and the Akayada, the sacrifice of his son, Isaac.

Through all this, Abraham remained a righteous man, attracting followers to the One Living God. Rabbi Itchy said this demonstrated that the deeds God is concerned with as proof of your improving character have to do with improving the world around you, by going into the Low Places. He has enough angels in Heaven. He wants more down here.

How did this become intensely personal? Lately I have been irritable because of some of the Low Places I have been forced to go to in my business. When times get tough economically, as they now are, and you invest in affordable housing, and mobile homes specifically, as we do, sometimes I see a side of people only slightly above what police, prison guards, and parole officers see – the human being at his or her most animal, tested to the marrow, mostly failing, but sometimes climbing to inspiring heights.

While this is happening, I wrote a new stage comedy with David Sayh, my writing partner and his wife, Sally. Why was I irritable? Because I have to steal 3 – 4 hours at night, after working 12 hours in our business, in order to accomplish what I am also passionate about, writing. There are times when words are a ladder to Heaven, and I want to stay on that ladder.

After seeing that our patriarch Abraham had the same yearning, to climb the heights to Heaven, but instead was forced into the Lower World, I had a new appreciation. Maybe I can do some good here, also. I'm no Abraham, but I can be more of a Zalman Velvel. And maybe there will be a payoff – great material for a sitcom about a mobile home park we’re working on next. Adversity and comedy go hand in hand, you know.

By the way, “Friends in Low Places” by Garth Brooks has been playing in the background while I was writing this blog.

Next week, we will discuss how you can improve your character, how you can harness the power of your feelings, under the direction of your intellect, to improve yourself.

Rabbi Itchy left us with a question – is the change from the inside out, with your intellect guiding your feelings into transforming yourself into a better person, or does the world force changes from the outside, inward?

While you are thinking of the answer, remember, the air in Fort Myers, while it won't make your smarter, it will make you funnier. I invite you all to come on down when it’s snowing, and warm up by the fire of Kabbalah. Stop in at Chabad of Fort Myers and take a Kabbalah Klass with Rabbi Itchy on Saturday morning, from 9 to 10.

Oh, and bring some Grey Goose or Chivas Regal with you.

We’ll all get spiritual, and we may even force a laugh or two from you.

]]> http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/11/06/kabbalah-kron-31/feed/ 2 Kabbalah Kronicles 30 – Jello and Whipped Cream http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/10/30/kabbalah-kron-30/ http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/10/30/kabbalah-kron-30/#comments Sun, 30 Oct 2011 02:08:02 +0000 stuv http://zalmanvelvel.com/?p=793 Kabbalah Kronicles 30 – Jello and Whipped Cream

Uncle Zally / Zalman Velvel

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Today’s Kabbalah Klass contained only men, and there was total chaos and confusion … even more than the classes on love.

The Rabbi asked, “Do we really exist?”

We said, “Yes.”

We figured this was going to be an easy lesson.

Then he followed with, “No, you don't exist.”

That’s when the chaos and confusion broke out.

Rabbi Itchy explained the beginning of the universe, Kabbalistic Style. There was no Big Bang Theory, no black holes, no Darwin’s Theory of Evolution. There was just God, by Himself.

What was God doing?

If you listen to our comedy CD, “Kabbalah You,” you know the answer – nothing.

So God made a chair. Why?

Because if you’re doing nothing, you might as well sit down. (You can use it, go ahead.)

However, to Kabbalah, this is no joking matter. It has absolutely no sense of humor when it comes to the proof of existence. Kabbalah states that if you believe there is only one God, then in the Beginning, there was nothing but God, all by Himself. No parents. No evil twin. Just God.

How long He was by Himself, God only knows. He didn’t create Time yet. It could have been a billion zillion years, or it could have been a blink of God’s eye, which is about seven times bigger than the Sun.

So God created a Tzim Tzum. Don’t try to pronounce it, only Hebrew speakers can. It means an empty space.

God then filled that Tzim Tzum with the world, and life. He made it separate, apart from Himself.

Why?

So we would have the free will to love Him, or ignore Him.

Except Kabbalah doesn’t really believe we are separate from God, or that anything is apart from God.

Kabbalah believes that everything is, and will always be, a part of God, and our only existence comes from being a part of God. In other words, without God we don’t exist. We are not separate from God, we are God, and it is an illusion that we are separate.

Think about that. You don’t exist. Only God exists.

So what does Jello and Whipped Cream have to do with Kabbalah?

When I was 18 and in my second semester of college, I changed my major from Pre-Med to Philosophy. (How’s that for foresight on the dollar value of an education?) Well, in Philosophy 101 class, we were discussing the proof of existence, a la Descartes.

Descartes said, in typical French fashion, “Je pense, que je suis.”

I think, therefore I am.

After learning this, I went wandering around campus, driving my friends crazy. When they asked me how I was doing, I answered, “What difference does it make? I’m not really here.” If they doubted me, I asked them how they knew they were really here.

After a week of this, my friend Buck, a worldly Italian from the Bronx, got sick and tired of listening to me. We were in the lunchroom, and he had a big dish of Jello with whipped cream on top, like the one to the left.

He picked up the dish, and asked, “You really don’t think you’re here?”

I said, “Yes.”

“You’re sure?”

I repeated, “Yes.”

Then he threw the dish at me. The Jello bounced off. It was no proof of existence, one way or the other.

The whipped cream was a different matter. It was all over my face, in my hair, and dripping on my shirt and pants.

From that day forward, I never doubted my existence.

By the way, whenever David and I are writing comedy, he makes me put a Tzim Tzum on the page, a space where a joke needs to go. To him, whenever there is a space with nothing in it, it needs a joke. And David, like God, never runs out of jokes. Thank God.

And like food, it’s a sin to waste a joke. There are over a billion Chinese people in bad need of a laugh … they are so exhausted from making chatskis for the world.

By the way, I think I found my sense of humor again. I discovered that while the air in Israel makes you smarter, the air in Fort Myers makes you funnier. Come on down when it’s snowing and find out. Stop in at Chabad and take a Kabbalah Klass with us.

Bring some Grey Goose Vodka and Chivas Regal with you.

You will get very spiritual, and even funnier after that.

]]> http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/10/30/kabbalah-kron-30/feed/ 4 Kabbalah Kronicles 29 – Four Kinds of People http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/10/20/kabbalah-kron-29/ http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/10/20/kabbalah-kron-29/#comments Thu, 20 Oct 2011 13:52:08 +0000 stuv http://zalmanvelvel.com/?p=749 Kabbalah Kronicles 29 – 4 Kinds of People

Uncle Zally / Zalman Velvel

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If you want to hear a grown man scream, tell me there are only _____ kinds of people in this world. Then fill in the blank with a number from 2 to 10.

My mother was obsessed with Astrology, which divided the world into 12 distinct personalities, which at least is on the high end of the spectrum. Her friends would listen for hours and walk away believing in her horoscopes.

I just shook my head and sighed. When I sighed loud enough for her to hear, she would ask:

“Why are you making grunting noises?”

“I’m not grunting, Mom, I’m sighing.”

“Okay, then why are you making those annoying sighing noises?”

“Mom,” I answered, “there are more than six billion people in the world. Every month has 500 million birthdays. Do you really believe that each of those 500 million people born in the same month has the same personality, and will have exactly the same life experience in the future?”

When she said, “Yes,” that is when I learned to scream.

What does that have to do with Kabbalah? Be patient, Grasshopper.

If you remember, in my last blog, I said the rest of the time I am in Israel, I’m going to join my people in our most powerful place, our house of worship. I wanted to learn how to share my God and believe in the power of prayer.

Well, I got up late, twice. As I was walking up the hill to the house of worship, everyone else was walking down. They smiled at me, and then sighed, just like I used to sound with my mother. Well, at least I got to meet my neighbors and fellow worshipers.

But yesterday morning, I made sure I got up on time. I walked to the house of worship, praying on the way, thinking about my friend Joseph. Joseph, like Yossi, prays three times each day with at least ten other men.

Joseph said he’d been reading this blog, and decided he wanted to spend more time with God by himself, like me. And here I was, trying to spend more time praying with others, like him.

I was supposed to meet Yossi, the Holy Man, at synagogue, but he didn’t make it. The first familiar face when I entered was Pincus. Pincus is a very special man. Ten years ago, he was shot 6 times on his way home from work, and lived to tell about it. I wrote a story about him, called “Baruch Hashem.” If any of you would like to read it, please email me.

I said a prayer for Pincus like Yossi advised me to.

I took up a comfortable place in the back of the shul, and looked around. I saw Moshe. Moshe had some serious financial setbacks about 5 years ago, and his family with 10 children were hungry and hurting. I donated money to him, anonymously, through the Rabbi.

Moshe now looked like he was doing better. I said a prayer for him, too.

Shlomo, the security officer for the village, was sitting next to me. He had three cellphones on his belt, along with his gun. Believe it or not, I like praying with men who carry guns. I also like having soldiers around me, carrying M-16’s and Uzi’s. In Israel, it gives me a sense of security knowing there are trained people protecting me.

I’ll bet the people in Syria, Egypt, and Libya don’t feel the same way about their soldiers and their army, but that is another story.

At the end of the prayer service, we all went outside, the forty of us. Thirty-nine took short willow branches and smashed them against the ground. I asked a young man why they were all doing that. He whispered something quickly in Hebrew. The only word I understood was “Kabbalah.”

After the prayer service, Yossi came over to my house. While we were working on his website, I asked him to explain the willow bashing. This is what he said:

During Succot, the Festival of the Booths, it is a commandment to bring four species of vegetation inside the succah, waive them, and say a prayer. The commandment is rooted in the Bible which states, “On the first day you shall take the product of hadar trees (an esrog), branches of palm trees, boughs of leafy trees, and willows of the brook, and you shall rejoice before your God for seven days." The picture on the left is the Four Species. Three are grouped together, a date palm branch, three myrtle twigs, two willow branches, and are called a lulov. The esrog looks like a large lemon.

Kabbalah says those four species correspond to four types of people in the world.

(Yes, my mouth is opening and I feel a scream building below.)

The date palm is something you can eat, but has no smell. That corresponds to a person who does good deeds, but has little knowledge of the Bible. The myrtle has a nice smell, but you cannot eat it. That corresponds to a person that has knowledge of the Bible, but does no good deeds. The citron has both a nice smell, and can be eaten. That corresponds to one who knows the Bible, and does good deeds.

What about the willow? A willow has no smell and cannot be eaten. It corresponds to a person who has no knowledge of the Bible, and does no good deeds. The reason the others were beating their willow branches on the ground was to wake up the people who acted like willows.

Now, I have a healthy young willow tree at the entrance to my home on the hilltop, pictured on the left. Every year my neighbors come by and ask to cut branches from it. Every year, including this one, I was thrilled to be able to offer them. I felt of some use in the community I visit maybe a month each year.

Until I learned Kabbalah. (Kabbalah states there are no accidents.)

For the last five years, I have had this tree sitting at the entrance to my house, and I thought it was a credit to me. Now I realize I’m like that lousy willow – I don’t know the Bible and don’t do any good deeds.

I gave my gardener, who is the son of Yossi the Holy Man, instructions to plant an Esrog tree everywhere one would fit on my property. Why? I want to grow enough esrogs to give one to every family in the community.

Then, when people ask, who was Zalman Velvel, I want my neighbors to say, “He started out like that willow at the entrance to his property, but then he became like the Esrog trees that now surround it.”

What do you think?

]]> http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/10/20/kabbalah-kron-29/feed/ 8 Kabbalah Kronicles 28 – A Local Call to God http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/10/13/kabbalah-kron-28/ http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/10/13/kabbalah-kron-28/#comments Thu, 13 Oct 2011 22:21:40 +0000 stuv http://zalmanvelvel.com/?p=688 Kabbalah Kronicles 28 – A Local Call to God

Uncle Zally / Zalman Velvel

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Before I travel to Israel, I ask friends back in the States, “Would you like me to say a special prayer for you while I’m in the Holy Land?”

Then I add, “Over there, it’s only a local call to God … elsewhere, long distance charges apply.”

The joke always gets a smile.

You would think that once I’m there, I would be praying in the temple of my hilltop community, and at the Great Temple, in Jerusalem. At both places, people pray three times each day, services known as Shacharit, Minchah, and Ma-ariv. It is preferred to pray with at least ten men, a minyon.

But I don’t do this.

I don’t pray inside, or with groups of people. I like being outside, and alone with God. I don’t want to be told what to say, or when to say it. I want the love to flow freely between us, whenever and wherever we feel it.

Thus I feel like a misfit. I wonder, “What is wrong with me?”

Some Atheists pray more than I do.

However, there are many here on this hilltop that really enjoy praying. I had to find out why.

So I went to a Holy man, my friend Yossie, who doubles as a tour guide. Yossie prays three times each day, in a temple, surrounded by a minyon. This is what he told me:

“Zalman, when I first sat in temple, I used to feel that my tuchus was on fire. I couldn’t wait to get out.”

He waited until I stopped laughing. I had a picture of the man on the left in my mind.

“Then, after a while, I looked around at my neighbors, and I thought, I don’t need anything special right now, but there was one man, Moshe, who had health problems – his heart was bad. So I prayed to God to help strengthen Moshe’s heart. Then over in the back, on the right, was Daniel. He lost his job, and he needed money. I prayed to God to help Daniel find parnessa, a livelihood, so that his family should eat.”

Yossie stopped, looked around at his beautiful view of the valley, and then continued.

“It was enough for me to pray for others … I did not really enjoy praying yet … but I tolerated it … and my tuchus cooled down.”

Once again, he waited for me to stop laughing.

“Until there came a time when I, Yossie, needed something. My wife … Aviva … we were eating in a restaurant in Jerusalem and a bone from the fish got caught in her throat … I rushed her to the hospital … the doctors removed the bone with no problem … but then a terrible infection set it … medicines were not working … the infection was traveling up to her brain … the doctors told me it did not look good … I was going to lose her.”

Yossie stopped and gathered himself.

“I said, ‘No! I am not going to lose her! I started reading Psalms by myself … Aviva did not get better … I went to the little temple inside the hospital and prayed … still Aviva did not improve … I went down to the Great Temple and threw myself down on my knees … I begged God with all my heart and soul to heal my wife … I could not imagine the empty life I would have without her … I called the hospital … still no change in Aviva … I went around to all the holy men I knew in Jerusalem … I banged on their doors … I woke them up … I begged them to pray for Aviva … to pleaded with God for a blessing that my wife should recover …”

He took a deep breath.

“Then, slowly, she got better … and I knew that it was not only my prayers that healed my wife, but also the prayers of others … From that day on, I enjoyed praying with others.”

He looked over at me.

“The men I pray with here have become my brothers. It’s like we are in the army together. We all have problems, because life is a struggle and brings us challenges, and sometimes these problems are bigger than we are. That is when we need the prayers of others. And I’ll tell you something else, Zalman?”

“What?”

“I learned that He is not just my God … I used to think, ‘The relationship I have with God is very special, just between Him and me.’ And Zalman?”

“Yes, Yossie.”

“If you can manage to be little more humble, you will see … while He is your God … and your relationship is very special … He is also my God … and my relationship with Him is also very special … my relationship does not take away from your relationship with Him … God is big enough to love us all … as much as we need. And Zalman?”

“Go ahead, Yussie.”

“We are not just mumbling words and daydreaming. God really does answer prayers. My Aviva is alive today because of prayers. And Zalman?”

“Yes already, Yussie!”

“My tuchus is no longer on fire … the fire is now in my heart.”

So for the rest of the time I am in Israel, I’m going to join my people in our most powerful place, our house of worship. I want to learn how to share my God … and believe in the power of prayer.

I’ll let you know how it works out.

]]> http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/10/13/kabbalah-kron-28/feed/ 4 Kabbalah Kronicles 27 – How to Make Humble Pie http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/10/08/kabbalah-kron-27/ http://zalmanvelvel.com/2011/10/08/kabbalah-kron-27/#comments Sat, 08 Oct 2011 20:15:16 +0000 stuv http://zalmanvelvel.com/?p=669 Kabbalah Kronicles 27 – How To Make Humble Pie

Uncle Zally / Zalman Velvel

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I am here in the Holy Land, the air invigorating my brain once again, and the Day of Atonement starts in two hours.

I’m looking at my face in the picture next to this writing, and wondering if I were God, would I be proud of Zalman Velvel? Would I inscribe him in the book of life for one more year, or just take his soul back and start fresh with someone else?

If humility is accepting truth, then the truth is … God should keep me around for another year … just for laughs. God needs a good laugh every now and then, given the stress He is under, and occasionally my comedy writing buddy and I come up with something that tickles God’s funny bone, which is the size of Jupiter.

On any other basis, God can find plenty of others who live a life closer to what He wants, than I do.

******************

It is now 8:30 PM in Israel, the Day of Atonement is over, and I’m still alive. So God, I’ll try to uphold my end of the bargain and give You a good laugh every now and then.

First, a quick review:

Two weeks ago you were shown how to attain the ultimate prize here on earth, for God to love you with all His Heart. How? By being humble.

We defined humble as being honest – accepting lasting truths, like:

1- God made everything and runs the world.

2- Nothing is owed to you. All your blessings, talents, and successes come from God, who can remove them at any time.

3- When you partner with God to make the world a better place, you will know, come closer, and love God, and feel His Love in return.

You were given 5 more benefits of humility in this life. They are:

1- People will like you more

2- You will like yourself more

3- If you have a great talent, you will nurture it better and rise higher

4- Arrogance closes your mind, humility frees it

5- Improved friendships

In this blog, you will be given a recipe to grow humility inside yourself, to make yourself a Humble Pie. Whenever the Rabbi and I meet at the OK Kabbalah Korral, I insist he leave simple tools to apply Kabbalah to our everyday lives. Now here are the ingredients to baking your Humble Pie:

1- Your Pie Filling – visit Nursing Homes, Hospitals, and Jails

2- Your Pie Crust – visit cemeteries

3- Your Topping – picture your last day on earth, who you honestly were, what you will take with you, and what you left behind

When you visit Nursing Homes and Hospitals, you will be providing people who are shut in, some simple human company. You don’t have to be a super-star, a movie star, or a media darling, just a humble human being, to bring happiness there. It can open your heart, make you aware of those who are less fortunate than you, and if not for the Grace of God, it might be you that needs companionship.

Visiting jails is not for those faint of heart. I have two friends in prison now. Each was a pillar of their community, generous, and a big giver to charities. Each was also experiencing a total reversal of their wealthy lifestyle. A humble person would have accepted the change as God’s Will, with a challenge to rebuild and grow. However, because of their lack of humility, they committed fraud to try to restore their former wealth in one quick step. When they got caught, it was many times more humiliating than being less wealthy, especially for their families and friends. A lifetime of good deeds was tarred with a new wide brush. When visiting jails you should not have the attitude, Thank God I haven’t sunk to that level. Rather, you should understand we are all human and susceptible to making mistakes. Humility is good preventative medicine for humiliation.

Next visit the gravesites of loved ones who are departed. Besides honoring their lives, it will also make you aware of what awaits you in this life. Thank about what you will take with you, and what you will leave behind.

Kabbalah states the only thing you will take with you is your deeds, both good and bad. What you will leave behind are your family and friends.

Many of us try to leave behind wealth, so we will be honored in death, and we work our whole lives to that end. That probably stems from a lack of humility also. Look around you – how many people do you know that were improved by wealth they inherited and did nothing to earn?

I’m sorry this wasn’t funnier – fasting inhibits my CQ – Comedy Quotient.

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